At the top of a very British looking hill, there was a well that tapped into a confined perched aquifer (the last part of the sentence is there because it explains why there are wells on hills, which initially made no sense to me).  The well itself looked like a communist fascinator, drab with gaudy accents of stone and mortar. It had been a community fixture for a century.  Long enough for a healthy lore to spread about the dangers of falling into a well.  No one had ever actually fallen into this well, but stories trickled in from other communities and it was generally accepted that such an incident was the result of bad parenting.

One misty british morning a young blond boy named Kevin and his fat brother, Buzz, climbed the hill to fetch some water.  Buzz had the face of a bully, just looking at him one felt that they had been punched in the arm or begrudgingly given up their lunch money.  He always referred to Kevin as Jill on their water fetching jaunts and this infuriated Kevin to no end.  

Kevin was in the midst of an ‘I hate my family’ emotional tear.  Despite excelling at chore completion and being an active contributor to household conversations his opinions and efforts were often overlooked or blatantly ignored.   

Kevin was at his limit by the time they reached the rim of the well and he said to himself, “I wish my family would disappear.”

The next thing Kevin knew he was soaking wet and looking up at a small round sky.  At first Kevin thought, “am I trapped in a telescope?  And if so, why is it filled with water?”  In reality Kevin had fallen into the well and it only took him another moment to realize this.

“BUZZ!” he yelled.  But his fat brother did not reply.  “Buzz?” He yelled again.  And again there was no response.  Physically, Kevin seemed miraculously unscathed, but mentally… Perhaps, Kevin was not okay.   

It was akums razor in wishes.  Instead of Kevin’s whole family disappearing, it was Kevin who disappeared.  

Kevin was overjoyed by this.  He ordered pizza to the well and ate it all by himself in his underwear.  He taught himself how to shave and watched rated R movies.  He found a friendly spider and lost track of it.  Not having a family was awesome.   

A little while passed when Kevin heard some commotion at the top of the well.  There were two robbers at the top of the well, they called themselves the ‘Wet Bandits’ and they were going to steal all the water.

The robbers lowered the bucket into the well.  Just then, Kevin noticed the spider he lost track of and put it in the bucket without allowing it to fill with water.  When the bandits pulled the bucket back to the top of the well they went bananas.  The spider just totally freaked them out. They threw their hands up in the air and ran around the well, and then they ran into each other.  One of them ended up with the imprint of a hot iron on his face.  What kind of which craft was at work on this well they wondered.  Deciding they didn’t want to find out, they moved onto the next community well that was not haunted.   

Kevin had saved the community water supply and this comforted him as he passed away, shivering from hypothermia and bad parenting.