Anubis, the jackal headed ancient Egyptian god walked into a bar totally distraught.  The bar tender looked up and chuckled while stirring a fruity pink drink.

“Heavy heart?” The bar tender asked, which was pretty funny since it was Anubis’ job to weigh peoples hearts against the weight of a feather and determine if their soul went onto the afterlife.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Anubis brushed it off.  It’s not that he didn’t appreciate the joke. He did.  For hundreds of years he did. But that was THOUSANDS of years ago.  Plus, he hadn’t been in the business of weighing hearts for quite some time now.  Really, in the grand scheme of his life, it was a brief phase.  All be it a very well documented and publicized phase, but nonetheless, still a phase.

Now Anubis was a barista at a local coffee shop.  He would make intricate designs of kittens, ferns, and (of course) hearts in the foam of lattes. One time he sent an elderly woman into a fear induced coma when he handed her a latte that resembled Harry Potter.  Though it was assumed that it was not the latte’s resemblance to the wizardly figure that terrified the woman so, but rather that it was Anubis’ giant nightmarish black jackal face that sent her over the edge.

Anubis, with the gate of a former god, elegantly sauntered up to the bar but then came crashing to a rest heavy on his elbows while his hands haphazardly supported his large dog head and mushed his muzzle in comical ways.

Grinning a teeth gushing grin, the bar tender asked, “Ruff day?” and then just fucking lost it.   Laughter and giggles sputtered out of the bar tender like an old cartoon engine.   It was a timeless joke that needed no explanation, but like all things timeless, tragically overused in Anubis’ life.

Anubis almost lost his cool, but like a neutrino passing through the room, no one noticed it.  More than anything Anubis hated dog jokes.  He had the head of a jackal.  A jackal is a fucking wild animal, it’s NOT a dog.  Anubis glanced up at the bar tender, who did a little gather-myself-up-like-a-god-damned-professional wiggle dance.  With his wild jackal eyes he stared right through the bar tender and said, “Johnny, I’m gonna tell you something,” and then he uttered a phrase in ancient Egyptian that was totally incomprehensible  and equally terrifying.  When Anubis speaks in ancient Egyptian he sounds like distant thunder rumbling over the whispers of a chorus of tortured children.  “And do you know what that means?” he finished.

“I didn’t even know those were words that could have meaning,” the bar tender replied, trembling on the inside.

“It’s a dog joke, Johnny.”  Anubis said in total deadpan.  Like a god.

The bar tender slowly cracked a smile, relieved, he raised his hand, pointed at Anubis with his head cocked and just nodded.

Just then Horus burst through the door, always with his falcon grace, talons out, just murdering people for attention.  Horus has a beak, but somehow, you knew he was smiling.  He doesn’t even have the muscles for it, but he does it.  And well!  As much as Anubis’ entrance was a test of endurance, a struggle for understanding, rusted gears grinding out a sausage… Horus’ was the complete opposite.  He was the gleam on a freshly waxed roadster, a gleam of satisfaction and financial security.

“Anubis, I have solved all our problems.”  he exclaimed.  Of course he had.  He didn’t have to say it.  Everyone knew he had by the way  walked.  In fact most onlookers were shocked that such a being could ever have a problem.   Horus was the kind of birdman who ordered a round for the house.  Whenever you think you’ve eaten the best sandwich, Horus has eaten a better one.  Horus taught Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris.

“What are you talking about?” Anubis said with the air of someone destined to be unimpressed.

“Well,” Horus continued. “Over the past few years I have secretly been taking computer science classes as the community college…”

Anubis just stopped listening.  It was a subconscious blackout.  All he could think about was the Anubis erotica novels he recently purchased on his Kindle.  In fantasy fiction everyone is getting fucked, dominated, and destroyed (sexually) by Anubis.  He was never able to find any Horus erotica novels.  And for the first time all evening, Anubis was happy.