Act 1: Establish the Setting

The curtains open, to a typical office filled office workers dressed as cowboys staring at computer monitors.  They refer to their office as ‘The Ranch.’  The workers like to pretend they are cowboys because if they pretended to be themselves they might start to cry.  It’s also helpful that cowboys don’t cry.  

And so begins a depressing but funny office seen

Amidst a drone of recycled air and a chorus of chattering computer mice a thought is put forth,

NATE: “You guys…”

The chattering slows.

OFFICE WORKER 1:“What?”.

The chattering stops.

NATE: “… I love my job.”

The others chime in, in exasperated sighs, “… so do I.”

As the chatter quickly resumes to a staccato, a lone wolf from the far corner of the room cries, OFFICE  WORKER 9: “Shut up, Nate!”

NATE: Yet Nate, and the others continue, “I especially like the part where I do the same thing everyday, and then sometimes it doesn’t work, so i do it all over again.”

OFFICE WORKER 1: “I also like the part where I stay late every day but don’t get anything for it.”

OFFICE WORKER 2: “Yeah, paid overtime… suckers.”

OFFICE WORKER 3:“I don’t know, I’m personally a fan of this ‘natural’ lighting and the unbearable heat.”    

OFFICE WORKER 4:“Yeah, that’s good,  I’m more of a coffee-machine coffee kinda guy…  Ya’ know.”

OFFICE WORKER 5: “I know, I’ll have five cups every day, please.”

OFFICE WORKER 6: “I just like how meaningful and rewarding my days feel.”

OFFICE WORKER 7: “Oh, or the part when you get to tell people what you do at parties, and it just doesn’t make any sense… Like, at all.  Like it just doesn’t make any sense… to anyone…  ever.”

OFFICE WORKER 8:“Yeah, Squinty-eyebrow-confusion-face, that’s a classic.”  Office Worker 8 comes across as the lamest of the already lame office workers. Except for Office Worker 9, that guy is a jerk.

NATE: “Okay, I gotta get back to work, somebody’s got to make this company millions of dollars.”

As a montage movie soundtrack fades in, the cowboys type away and gaze into their monitors. The song plays for an uncomfortably long time before the curtains finally close. 

Then they suddenly re-open to a different montage movie soundtrack that plays for a slightly longer uncomfortable period of time as the cowboys continue to work.  

This continues.

Sad music filled with high piano notes colors a new mood as the curtains opens to one of the cowboys turning his computer off, putting on a bicycle helmet, and holding out his hands in anticipation.  His hands are met by a bicycle that slides across the stage.  The cowboy mounts the bicycle and rides into the sunset.  

End Scene.

 

ACT 2: The Character Development Act

The curtains open to low lighting and a kitchen table.  Three people are seated around the table.  One of them is an excited fact, the second is dressed all in muscles (a flirtatious barbarian), and the third is our cowboy who is clearly off duty.

NATE:   “Today we begin our facebook roadtrip!”

ARLO: The excited fact responds, “What is a facebook roadtrip?”

CHESTER:  “You don’t know what that is?”  Incredulous.  “We haven’t told you what that is?” Even more incredulous.  He is a failed parody of masculinity, equal parts beach culture and testosterone.  

Arlo shrugs his shoulders.  Exasperated, he appeals to two Sea Captains long dead and no longer visible to anyone.  The gesture is lost on everyone, but the playwrite documents the appeal nonetheless.  

NATE:  “It’s when our facebook profiles take a road trip because our real-life profiles can’t.”

ARLO:  “And by real-life profiles, you mean, your life.”

CHESTER:  “WE HAVEN’T TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS!?”

NATE:  “But, I think we are actually doing pretty good with our facebook posts… Right?  They are pretty interesting… Like, at least better than average…”  He says this all unconvinced.  

CHESTER:  Always convinced, “OH YEAH!  Dude!  We are great!”

ARLO:  “Now, I’m not on facebook, but, I’m sure they are better,” He says in sincerity.  “What was the last thing you posted?”

CHESTER:  “Uhhhh, YOUR MOM!” Calibrating to the room’s response, he continues, “Well, your mom doing a good your-mom joke.  One that makes people laugh even when they don’t want people to think they like your-mom jokes.”

ARLO: “Okay, yeah, that’s pretty good.”

NATE: “I think we should go to Utah!”

CHESTER:  “What!”  “DUDE, We can go anywhere, because it’s a made up trip, and you want to go to Utah?”

NATE:  “Oh, well…”

ARLO:  “I think Chester should have sex with a prostitute.”

CHESTER: “DUDE!?”

ARLO:  “Okay, two prostitutes.”

CHESTER:  Initially he didn’t anticipate Arlo’s response but quickly likened to the idea with a knowing nod, a wink, and an exaggerated hip thrust.  It is in this moment, all the characters reflect on how much Chester likes sex, and how his goto move is The Jackhammer.  They recall a memory, hazy, but still accessible… “I gave her attention… It’s called The Jackhammer.”  The memory is over.  

NATE: Still confused and second guessing his love for Utah, “Where should we go then?”

CHESTER:  “Dude, ODELE’ MOTHERFUCKER!  MEXICO BRO!”

NATE:  Now confused as to why he invited Chester on his fake trip in the first place says, “I don’t know.  Now, I don’t even know if I want to go…  I just want this trip to go well.  You guys, this trip could be our bear skin rug!  Something people notice!  And maybe it’s not cool when you really think about how the bear used to be alive… But the style…”

CHESTER:  “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

ARLO:  “Wait, I still actually want to know what your last facebook post was.”

CHESTER:  “Oh, I don’t know… I think it was… Oh!  It was a picture of me riding on the horses out at my friends house.”

NATE: “And then I commented, ‘Is that a horse between your legs or do you have a giant boner!’”

ARLO:  “Okay.”

Meanwhile it’s springtime and the weather is getting really nice.  Record-setting nice.  It’s so nice outside that there are ladybugs on the ceilings inside of all the houses.  Flowers are everywhere.  All the dandelions look like they were grown by celebrity landscapers.  Children look healthy, and there are no meth-heads.  Not one in sight.  

The neighbor pulls into her driveway.  She is a doctor.  Her husband is also doctor, and he is already home.  They are perfect.  They can summon Captain Planet.  There was a 90’s cartoon TV show called Captain Planet and it took six kids with magic rings to summon that guy.  The doctors do it with their love.  

They both have cars that work.  They even have an extra one they want to lend us while they move their family to Nicaragua and spend the year saving people with their perfect hands and their perfect brains.  They are like perfect wine.  Some people drink wine and beat their wives or commit suicide, but wine can still be perfect.  

NATE:  “I think we should borrow the neighbor’s car if we are going all the way to Mexico.”

END of SCENE

 

Act 2.1: Office Talk.1

The curtain opens to The Ranch, and all the busy cowboys typing and clicking away.

NATE: “I wonder why they call internet research ‘digging.’”

OFFICE WORKER 1:: “Because it keeps you in shape.  Look at these arms.”  He says, as he flexes.  Everyone turns to look and nods in admiration.  

OFFICE WORKER 2: “It is really crazy how sexy people get when they spend all their time on a computer. “

OFFICE WORKER 3: “And all their money on food and beer!”

OFFICE WORKER 4:“I know, before I started working this office job I could only masterbate like once a day.  Now…” he says as he shakes his head, “Fuck, I don’t even know.  I just love computers.”

OFFICE WORKER 5:“Wow, if that’s not masculinity… I don’t know what is.”

OFFICE WORKER 6:“What are you researching anyway?”

NATE:  “Where I should go on my facebook roadtrip.”

OFFICE WORKER 9:“What the hell is that?”

NATE: “It’s… It’s a long story… It’s where I pretend to go on a trip on facebook…”  Realizing how pitiful this idea sounds in this context, he openly displays his insecurities about the idea, “Man, I fucking hate myself sometimes.”

OFFICE WORKER 7:“I’m sorry your life sucks that  much.”

NATE: “Oh, did that sound really sad and desperate?”

OFFICE WORKER 10:“Uh, Yeah.  You sound like you’re about to pull a Meriweather Lewis.”

NATE: “What’s that?”

OFFICE WORKER 11:“You know, Lewis, from Lewis and Clark.  Homeboy was so depressed he shot himself in the head and the heart at the same time.”  He pantomimes the action punctuating the simultaneous shots with his mouth and then slumping into his chair as if his hands were actually pistols and he actually just killed himself.

The ranch fell silent for a moment.  All are reflecting on the tragedy of how someone who was so successful and honored by history could be so sad and desperate.  

OFFICE WORKER 12:“What you mean drawing power lines all day isn’t your passion?”

NATE: “Yeah, SHOCKING isn’t it.”  It’s a power line joke.  

Chorus: “ZING!”

End Scene

 

Act 3: Discovery of the Thrill of the Chase

The Curtains open to the low lit dining room table. The table is a mess of marijuana, jars of marijuana, a couple empty plates and other jars contain half dead but still strikingly beautiful flower bouquets.  Everything smells like lavender and marijuana.  It’s pretty good. Our off duty cowboy is drinking a tall can of beer by himself, reflecting on the day, reflecting on life, but mostly reflecting on Lewis.  

The excited fact bounds into the room vibrating with excitement.

ARLO:  “Nate, the pedestrian life is over.  Today, things change.  Have you ever heard of this ‘Forrest Fenn’s Treasure?’”

NATE: “No, but it sounds like everything I want to be described as in my eulogy.” He is dead fucking serious.  His whole life has been a running joke about being a private investigator or a treasure hunter, though he has had absolutely zero experience to back up the claims.  

ARLO: “You are gonna love this!  This gist of the story is that this old man… millionair old man, gets diagnosed with cancer and is given three years to live.  So he decides he is going to buy a treasure chest and bury a fortune somewhere out in the Rocky Mountains.  It’s all crazy artifacts too, like Incan gold and Mayan amulets.”

NATE: “The kind that talk to aliens?”

ARLO: “Definitely the kind that talk to aliens.  Anyway, he writes this poem that contains nine clues that lead you to the treasure.  No one’s found it yet.  It’s still out there.”

NATE: “What are we, the Goonies?  This is so awesome!”  

ARLO: “I know!  And, the reason he did it is because he felt no one is getting out to explore the wilderness anymore.  Kids are playing too many videogames and they don’t have good relationships with their families…”

NATE: “Whoa, slow down Jesus Christ, I just want your money…  No, but in all seriousness, I’m ready to drop everything and look for this treasure.”  He glances at his beer, and thinks about dropping it, but then thinks better of it.  It would have been a great joke but… just then he drops the beer.  

He and Arlo share a hearty laugh.

ARLO: “I knew you would,” Arlo says, as he pats the cowboy’s back.  Quickly diverting from a potentially tearful moment the two begin to pour over the poem and dissect it.

The night fades to consecutive days fixed on computer screens, interrupted by wild hand gestures and rushed explanations to confused friends.  They read all the blogs, they look at all the maps, the internet suddenly seems shallow. The next few days are a blur, the amount of epiphanies make it seem like an evangelical service.  Both are obsessed.  

NATE: “I can’t stop thinking about the treasure.”

ARLO: “I can’t stop thinking about you thinking about the treasure.”

NATE: “Really?”

ARLO: “No, I just can’t stop thinking about the treasure either.”

If they had had meth, they would have done it.  But they didn’t, so they slept like normal people who are super excited.  

Separately they came to conclusions regarding the whereabouts of the treasure that were within 50 miles of each other.  The proximity of their two theoretical treasure locations seals the deal.  ARLO: “We need to rent a car, none of these will make it to Montana.” Arlo says, as he points out the window to their budding junkyard.  It was true, one was broken down, rusting from the outside and molding from the inside (rewilding, as some would say), the other screamed like a teapot that could give a fuck about the song and just wanted to be tipped over and poured out.  

They set a departure date a week in the future and time became the antagonist.  They also agree that it is a mistake, but they will still invite Chester.

ARLO:  “We need some brawn, man.  I know he’s a philistine, but It can’t all be brains.  It just can’t.“

NATE:  “But… ”

ARLO:  “It.  Just. Can’t.” He says, as his fist slams on the table.  

A remake of Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind titled A Treasure State of Mind begins to play (because Montana is the Treasure state).  It’s basically the same song but instead of saying “NEW YORK!” It says “MONTANA.”

End Scene

 

Act 4: Montage

Chester pulls the rental car into the driveway, reckless and honking.  He pops his interrupting torso out the driver’s window.

CHESTER:  “Great news!” he yells as he thrusts his hand up into the air.  He is holding some small but refracting object.  “I found this in the center console of the rental car!”

Nate: “What the fuck is that?”

Chester:  “Uh, it’s treasure dude!”

Nate:  A fan of all things sparkly and expensive, he grasps for what is now clearly a really nice looking ring in Chester’s hand, “Let me see that!”

“Holy shit! You just found this.”  He says in disbelief.

Chester: “Yeah!” He says, wearing the grin of an obedient dog returning a fetching ball.  

Nate:  “Well, yeah, we are off to an incredible start!”

The sun is setting and the three are, as usual, last minute.  They all pack the car.  When the car is full, a pile of items, clearly recognizable necessities, remains on the front lawn.  They unpack the car, and begin to repack the car.  There is lots of pointing and head scratching.  They are all on segways. Occasionally there are frustrated arm flaps, but in the end they have a big group hug. (this whole part is done in fast forward).

“If our facebook posts weren’t the best before, they will be now.”  

The scene fades to black.

 

Act 5:  The Team Embarks

The sun is rising, birds are chirping, the cat is making terrible noises.  It’s the same horrible sounds it makes every morning when it wants to be fed.  But the cat has food.  It’s a small mystery often pondered by the three roommates, and today is no different.  

ARLO: “Cat! You are an asshole. What is your problem?”

The cat feigns the ability to understand and continues to ruin a beautiful August morning.  Off to the side of the stage an ‘applause’ sign flashes but instead of ‘applause’ it reads ‘indignation.’

The audience boo’s the cat off the stage.  Everyone feels accomplished, and satisfied, as if things are finally right with the world.  And things are.

CHESTER:  “Okay, I have something important I need to tell you before we go. “

ARLO:  “What’s That?”

CHESTER:  “I have Chlamydia. “

Nate and Arlo laugh. Though they slowly realize that this is not a joke and that Chester actually has chlamydia.

NATE: “Wait, really?”  Still unsure.  “For real life?”

CHESTER: “Dude, I’m not  joking,“ deadpan.

ARLO: “I think this is perfect.”  He says, with a chuckle.  

NATE:  “I can’t believe… well, i mean, wow… You got the clap!”

CHESTER: “No, dude, the clap is gonorrhea.”  

NATE:  “Why is gonorrhea the clap?  It seem like chlamydia should be the clap.”

CHESTER: “Well, it’s not.”

ARLO: “So does this mean we shouldn’t share spoons?”

CHESTER:  “I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure Chlamydia stays in the genital region.”

A map appears on a secondary curtain that is quickly lowered.   On the map, a dotted line moves from Portland, Oregon down the I-84 into Washington.   

Everyone looks good.  The characters appear in a cardboard cutout of a car, but it feels like they are in the back of a truck.  

ARLO:  “This is how you find a fucking treasure!”

NATE:  “This is how you take charge of your life!”

CHESTER:  “This is how I put your body at risk!” Chester says this, while he is driving exceedingly fast, so the joke works on two levels.  

The dot continues across Washington and into Missoula, Montana in the heart of the Treasure State.  

CHESTER: “WAIT!”

NATE and ARLO:  “What?”

CHESTER: “It’s time to live an activated lifestyle.”  Chester then pulls out an energy drink and proceeds to shotgun it.  

NATE:  “You are going to be so focused.”  He says this in a way that makes it seem like he is saying “Oh my god, i can’t believe you are my boyfriend!” (in a good way).

CHESTER:  Breathless and wiping his mouth, “I know, I already doubled my adderall dosage.”

The dot continues south through Montana and stops in Gardiner, MT just outside Yellowstone National Park.

End Scene

 

Act 6: The Actual Treasure Hunt

Storm clouds billow in the sky over the convenience store as the three sit in the car contemplating whether or not bear spray is worth $50.  A week earlier campers in the area had been eviscerated by a Grizzly bear.  “But they didn’t know what they were doing,” Chester exclaims full of misplaced confidence.

Nate: “We don’t know what we are doing!”

Arlo: “I don’t know anything… but I also don’t have any money.”

Nate:  “If we just leave the food in the car we’ll be fine, right?”

Chester: “The car won’t be,  but who gives a fuck about this thing anyway.”

Nate: “Does the insurance cover that?  What happens in that scenario?”

Chester:  “This whole thing is just a small town scam to get city kids to waste their money.  We’ll be fine.”

Arlo:  “Even though I’m incredibly prone to panic attacks, I’m willing to side with Chester and forego the bear spray.”

Nate:  “Well, if nothing else, let’s get some firewood.”

They walk into the convenience store to get the last minute provisions, sans bear spray.  On the way out Nate puts a quarter in a gumball dispenser filled with plasticy, treasure resembling trinkets.  The machine spits out a plastic bubble encapsulating a tiny gold colored cross on a gold colored chain.  He considers the ramifications of the situation and decides in that moment to become a christian for the rest of the trip.  “I found our bear spray guys!” he, yells.

End Scene

 

Act 7: Disappointment or Climax? (It’s always both! Ha!) No, But Seriously This is The Act Where You Talk About All The Other Treasures That Were Discovered

Another montage.  They are searching everywhere.  In trees, under rocks, on top of mountains, and under the water in the river.  Someone is heard saying “look how calm I am in a Super Volcano!”  There is laughing.  There is beer. There is partying in the woods. Chester is heard saying “Call me Treasure Chester… or Just Trease for short.”  There is more laughing. There are high fives, and oh-my-gosh-look-at-that-BUFFALO moments.  

They are on really steep sides of mountains sweating profusely and looking haggard. They point at maps and argue. They gesture wildly.  There is some stomping off in different directions,  and then the music fades out as the scene catches up with the expedition as it struggles up an isolated creek bed, climbing over and crawling under a menagerie of fallen trees, they slowly stop, one by one, in staggered formation.  They all realize they have gone much farther than an 80 year old man could possibly have gone.  The terrain is far too challenging and difficult.  The realization weighs on them like an abortion.

ARLO: “I thought we would find the last clue…”

NATE:  “It all made so much sense…”

…

CHESTER:  “It’s not over.”

NATE:  “No?”

CHESTER:  “No!  You guys, this is just the beginning. We only really looked in one area, an area we identified with our memories.  Actually I didn’t do anything, you guys figured all that out… But,  there are so many more possibilities out there.  We can’t go into this with a narrow mind.   We’re not republicans… We’re Treasure Hunters.  I was never really that into this before.  I was just going along with it because I wanted to have fun and spend time with you guys.  But now… Now, I’m in.  You guys, I got the fever.  Treasure Fever.”

It feels like Harry Potter found that snitch and the whole audience is in Gryffindor.  There are trumpets… and an elephant.  Even though everyone knows the elephant is out of place, they just go along with it, because they know how awesome and triumphant this moment is supposed to be.  They know that they might never get a chance as good as this, and even though it’s not perfect, we are all gonna fucking act like it.  Every single one of us.  

End Scene

 

Act 8: Reflection

Since the expedition ended in Yellowstone, the team decides to take off their treasure hunting hats and don tourist hats for the rest of the day.  The scene opens with them walking around Old Falafel, the park’s main attraction.  Occasionally rubbing each other down with sunscreen.  

ARLO:  “These geysers are pretty cool, but where are all the girlsers?”

The three stand facing Old Falafel, waiting, eyes transfixed but focused on nothing.  The mood is somber.

NATE:  “Do you think things are gonna change between us after this goes off?”

There is a brief moment of silence as they all contemplate the ramifications of what they are all, now, a part of.

ARLO:  “I don’t know, man…”

Chester is silent and unreachable.  He is the only man for miles.  

Just then Old Falafel starts to sputter and spit.  Suddenly, it launches a misty spire over 100 ft into the air.  We are all impressed.  The sulfurous bacteria laden water it ejaculates is over 300 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s HOT! But it will never know love.  We are all caught in the spectacle.  It felt good at first, but then it just dragged on.  By the time it finished we were over it.  Overall, we will look back fondly on this experience.  

Geysers are erupting.  Americans are cumming, Argentinians are arriving, Hungarians are going away, and in French, it’s a little death.  It’s all sexual, and it’s all in your face.  

End Scene

 

Act 12: The Return

The map appears and the dot travels from West Yellowstone back in the direction of Portland.  The team talks about how much they like energy drinks and lists all the great brands, each with its own unique quality.

NATE: “Consuming energy drinks increases your chance of binge drinking by 100%!” He thinks this is a cool fact.

Arlo tells a story about how one time he had an energy drink and then actually had a heart attack and almost died.  

ARLO:  “I just remember waking up on the linoleum floor in the convenience mart…  You’ve never felt linoleum like that… If felt so good.”

Product placement abounds. This is where ALL the revenue for the play is generated.

End Scene

 

Act 13: Epilogue

Chester gets antibiotics and is cured of chlamydia.  But then he gets it again.  Did he ever get rid of it in the first place? Nobody knows, it’s one of those frustrating open endings.  

Nate is cursed by the ring they found in the rental car that isn’t worth anything and suffers a series of serious accidents that leave him immobilized for  a short time.  He quickly heals though and has an amazing summer!

Arlo runs a marathon in hungry, hungover from a wedding the previous night and gets a poetry grant!

Applause.  

The curtains close.

The audience is confused but mostly satisfied.  
The End